Ask Advice 
Article Archive 

Dazed and Confused

I was with my boyfriend for 8 months, then we were talking on the phone this week and he says he needs a break. He doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't think he can give me what I want. Here is my dilemma - everything was going fine, we had a great weekend, he even left stuff at my house on purpose for the next time he came over. Two days later he doesn't know what he wants and he needs time to think. There are not other people involved here, so at least that is a good thing. But we were both happy, we loved each other, and had fun. He's assuming I want to get married and have kids like RIGHT NOW, and I don't, but he's not listening to me when I say this to him. He's listening, but not believing me...and I don't know what to do. The other issue is, he's living with his sister and I think she's manipulating him and talking bad things about me to him. I'm lost and confused.. Help.
-Dazed and Confused

Mark's advice

Dazed and Confused
Did you see that movie? Man, I though I was back in high school again. The sex, the drugs, the music ... sorry, I think I was having a flash back. Hey, for all I know, you were quoting Led Zep.

Okay, he wants a break. Give it to him. An arm is good. That way, he can still come crawling back to you on his knees. No, seriously, give him a break. Tell him, "Maybe a break is a good idea". Tell him that maybe you both need to cool off a little. Tell him to call you if you feel like going out sometime, and then YOU hang up. This will even things out. Instead of him saying he needs a break, now you're saying you both need some time off. This will make him realize that you won't be waiting nervously by the phone 24-7 just to hear the sound of his voice,(or I hope you won't anyway). He may even start to wonder who you might be with the next Friday night. Now one of two things are going to happen. Either he really doesn't want anything to do with you and he's using the break as an excuse to put himself back on the market, or (and this is a more likely scenario), he will miss you and call you back in a week or two.
Let him call you first. If you call him back first, you'll never know if he really missed you or not. And if he doesn't call, you definitely don't want to continue that relationship anyway. Give it 3 weeks (I know that's a long time), and if he doesn't call by then, it's over. And if his sister is a problem, tell him, "Look, Do you want to sleep with me, or your sister?" If he can't loosen up on his sibling ties a little, he may never grow up, and you don't want to be dating some guy in his mid-30's living in his sister's basement, still doing exactly want his big sister tells him to.

Sophie's advice

Dear Dazed and Confused,
Sometimes things change and it is difficult to accept that. It sounds like what you need to do here is pull back. As they say, if you love something, set it free. It will come back if it is meant to be. He is a grown man and if his sister is able to manipulate him, then he is a man who needs to grow a back bone. You remember how it was when you first met, when he would call you on his lunch break or whenever he could just to talk? He was into you, and when a man is into you, he will move heaven and earth. He knows what he wants and what he wants is you. It sounds like things have changed, and he is right, he can not give you what you want. And you deserve a man who does think the world of you. So difficult as it may be, let him go. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you straight out it is over. If you do let him go, there is the chance that he might have some time to think about things and decide that he does want to be with you. But don't let him go for that reason only though, let him go because you deserve more. This is a time in your life where you can challenge yourself, demand more for yourself, do things that are the right thing to do - even when they do hurt, discover new things.
PS. Ladies, if you haven't heard of the book "He's Just Not That Into You" you should really check it out. Written by Greg Behrendt (former executive producer of Sex and The City) and Liz Tuccillo.

Add comment