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Help! I need to get over him.

I made the mistake of dating this guy that I thought both really sweet, cute. I liked almost everything about him. The reason I call it a mistake is because he's 25 (3 years younger than me) an age that I have taken to be as pure evil for men, he worked with me, he lives about 2 hours away (still with his parents) and
he got out of a 3 year relationship with a (21 yr old) girl who broke up with him 4 months before we started
dating.

Even though I was hesitant at first, we ended up dating and the relationship was great from the start.
We always had a blast together, worked together so we saw each other a lot, we talked everday and every
night and the physical attraction was fantastic. I caught feelings for this guy really fast, as he claimed he did for me. About 2 months into it, however, he tells me he's not over his ex-girlfriend.
We continued to see each other, but I feel like I changed and became totally insecure. I tried to break
up with him, but didn't have the heart. He later decided to break up with me, because he didn't feel it
was fair to me, but insisted we remain friends.

Every time we try to hang out, however, it's totally painful for me and if there's liquor involved we end
up making out or sleeping together. I tried to move on, but every time I feel like I'm making progress he
starts calling or texting and we wind up right back into the confusing mess that we started in. I keep
trying to end it by not seeing or talking to him but its really hard for me because I really like this guy
and we worked together. He says it's hard for him, too because he really likes me, but he's not ready for
a relationship. This just makes me feel worse.

A few weeks after he officially broke up with me I lost my job (about 2 weeks ago). I've sat in my
apartment in the dark for the last 2 days bawling my eyes out. This can't be healthy, but I don't know what
to do. I realize I'm the rebound, and I feel totally pathetic and used, mostly because I knew better but I
took the chance. I'm an attractive intelligent girl, I usually have a lot going for myself (until lately), I don't, however, have lots of friends and family or opportunities for distractions and I live alone. He
on the other hand is total opposite. He's always surrounded by family and friends and always has lots
going on. I've been through break ups before, he and I didn't even date that long, I don't know why it's so
hard for me. I agreed to go out with a new cute guy who asked me out this weekend, I figure it's best, but
I don't want to screw up with this new guy because I'm such a mess over the old guy. Please help. I feel
like such a loser. I don't know what to do. What is a healthy way to get over this guy quickly? We were
only together for about 2 1/2 months! Help!




Mark's advice

Dear pathetic, used, and totally insecure.
You're not.
From reading the novel you sent me, this all seems like a pretty normal and painful break-up. And yes, it can hurt after 2 1/2 months if the relationship was "fantastic". But you are already doing all the right (textbook) things you should do to forget him. Unfortunately, your employer sacked you, but at least you wont be bumping into him at work (and maybe running into the nearest broom closet together, and tearing off each others clothes, two bodies grinding together, driven by passion and lust, sweat glistening off your naked flesh, his throbbing...). Oh sorry, lost my train of thought. Now, where was I.

Oh yah, you've also completed the second stage of breaking up. Crying. Bawling your eyes out in the dark for two days should cover that. All you've got left to do is to start dating again. And it looks like you'll be tackling that in a few days. Good. Now don't go blubbering about your old boyfriend on your date. I mean it. Not one word. Otherwise, it's over before it started. If you aren't quite your cheerful self, you can say, "This is my first date after a tough break-up". If he asks about it, make it real brief. If you start going on and on about your ex-lover boy, and how great the relationship was, and how devastated you were when he dumped you, and how life as you know it is over, you might as well start back at square one.

So go out and enjoy yourself, and forget about that other
what's-his-name loser.

Sophie's advice

Sometimes someone can impact you within a very short amount of time. Perhaps they meet you at a time when you are vulnerable and perhaps they come to teach you something about yourself.

You were not in love with him, you were in love with what you wanted and hoped he would be.
You have so many good things ahead of you, don't waste your time on things that you know are not right for you and in doing so, missing things that are good for you. Next time he calls or texts, let him know you are moving on and do not go out with him again. You are not strong enough right now to handle it and if you keep going back you can never move on. It will get easier in time.

Trust me, you WILL look back on this and wonder why you ever even liked him.
You will look back and realize the lessons you have learned and the better person you became because of it. Remember that many lessons are learned in hard times. You may not wish for hard times, but when they do come, realize that this is a time where you can learn and grow and improve and see all the power you really do have. Once you have learned the lessons you need to learn here, you will move onto better things.

Take time to reconnect with yourself and to expand your social base while you are at it. To have good friends you need to be a good friend.




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