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Help Me - I'm Desperate

Hey guys... I'm desperate.

I was with my girl for a little over a year and everything was peaches and cream and then the troubles began. We graduated college together after living together for half a year, and she offerred me to move into her parent's house while she pursued her masters degree at a nearby University. I graciously accepted this, it was 6 hrs away from our previous college, an hour away from my parents and friends, and the house was situated on 88 acres in the mountains. While living there was a great experience, our relationship got a bit distant... our sex life diminished from all the time to once or twice a month. She got less intimate and rude at times. While I was trying to find my way in life in a completely new area, she was still in school. I moved from job to job and she kept on with the difficulties of earning her masters degree. I admit that I got a bit lazy at times, but I was able to find a job that I was passionate about. So I already had the knowledge that our relationship needed work. She confided this to me in January and asked me to find a new place to live so we could work on things with space between us. March rolled around, I moved into a new place with the idea that we had stuff to work on, but that this space would be good for us. A few days later I spent the nite at her place, and we cuddled in bed a lot (no sex though). A couple days later I called her up saying I was missing her a bit and she said that I should spend the nite and that we could talk the next morning. So same thing, we cuddled at nite... and the next day she asks for a break. She says that her feelings have changed, but that she's not sure as to what. She says that we still should be friends and that she wants me in her life, but that she's just too busy and stressed out with school to be in a relationship. She tells me that I can still spend the nite every now and then, and that she definately loves me and cares for me, but that she's just not sure if she's "in love" with me. A few days later i get invited to her families place for a Birthday brunch for her dad and sister. I later find out that her idea of a break is "permanent for now" and that she still wants to be best friends, but once again that she can't handle being in a relationship right now. But here's where it gets weird... although I've moved out, she's let me borrow her desk, a bunch of books to read, and a dvd player. At the same time, she is allowing me to keep a bunch of stuff up at her house. Every time I've gone to visit her since our break, I still see pictures of us all over her room. So naturally I'm as confused as can be as to what this all means. I thought this was the woman that I would be spending my life with, and up until a couple months ago I thought her mind was in the same place as mine. We're about a month away from our two year anniversary, and all I want to do is get her back. I'm desperate for any advice as to what might have gone wrong, and what I can do to make her want me again. She really is the most incredible woman that I've ever met, and I can't see myself with anyone else. Give me any help you can as I'm desperate.




Mark's advice

Dear Desperate

This one's a toughie. I'll have to put my thinking cap on for this one. Okay, where did I leave that thinking cap? Damn, I can't find it, so I guess.....Oh, there it is. Right where I left it. Beside the toilet, where I do some of my best thinking.

Well, this one's a crap shoot and it could go either way. Sounds like she's tired of the relationship, and at this point, thinks it's never going to climb back up to where it was. And it might not. You moved into her parents houses and things probably got a little too comfortable. Maybe with that comfort came a lack of excitement. Hey, it happens. It's not your fault, although you probably shouldn't have moved. Oh well, unless you have a time machine, you can't turn back the clock. Now, where did I leave that time machine?

Oh, and the lending of the CD player and other stuff is nothing more than guilt my friend, so don't get confused
about that.

Now the best thing you can do is give her space, and a lot more space than she's suggesting. Don't call her. Period. Leave her along for at least a month. If she calls you before then, treat her like a good friend, but no more. If she asks you over, tell her your busy, but next time for sure. Under any and all circumstances, don't ask her back!!!!! If she wants you back, she'll ask you. If she doesn't, she's not interested. And that's the hard truth.

Meanwhile, you should get busy looking for someone else, cause I'm giving this one, 50/50 at best, of having a happy
ending.

Sophie's advice

Dear desperate,
Take a deep breath. You are in the "I'm freaking out oh my god my life is changing and I'll do anything to get it back" phase. I'm going to give it to you straight, as difficult as it may be for you to hear. Men - I hope you're taking notes here - I'm about to let you in on a few secrets of the fairer sex. For all you women out there - yes there is some generalizing going on and there will always be exceptions.
1. When a woman stops wanting to have sex with you, she is distancing herself emotionally. The excuses she may give are not usually what's reflective of what's going on (i.e. I'm too tired, I don't feel well etc.). It means there is a lot going on in her head and it directly has to do with the relationship. For women, emotionality and sex go hand in hand. When sex is missing, so is their feeling of closeness and intimacy towards you. HUGE warning sign.
2. When a woman asks you to move out to give her some "space" - this is exactly what she wants. She doesn't want to be around you as much, doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you every night and she needs time alone to figure things out.
3. When a woman lets you borrow her desk, books and DVD player and then asks you to spend the night but ONLY cuddles with you - she is alleviating some of her guilt for leaving you behind. This is what people do when they really care about someone and don't want to hurt them - they continue to keep the person in their life, but only at an arm's length. It is what's known as the "Slow and painful let's ease into it breakup". She is preparing herself to move on.
4. When a woman tells you "her idea of a break is PERMANENT NOW" - it's over.

Sweetie, it's over. You have to accept this, you have no other choice. You cannot "make her want you again", and why would you want to? We all make mistakes in our relationships, but don't fall into self-loathing and self-blame. Unless you did something really stupid like cheat on her or kill her cat, my bet is that you both contributed to the demise of this relationship. It sounds to me like you grew apart - which happens all the time. Not every relationship is meant to last forever - if it were meant to last forever it would. Like I always say, treat it as a learning experience so that you can do a better job at your next relationship. And there will be one. You will get stronger. All the sappy relationship cliches are true.




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