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How Do I Talk To My Mom?

Me and my mum live alone and my dad died 4 years ago. She said to me she would rather stay at work than be with me and she says I'm a lazy bitch. I've just turned 14 I know I have responsibility and stuff but she told me she has thought about killing herself. If she knew how many times I've wanted to run away and kill myself she would never talk to me. I don't
understand what she wants me to do I just feel like crying in tears but the last time I cried was at my dad's funeral. I feel so alone I can't tell my mates about it because my mums made them on her side and my whole family as well. I feel so self-conscious all of the time, if I tell my mate she will tell her mum and she will tell my mum - it's a chain of pain to me - how can you help me???

H




Erin's advice

It sounds like you and your Mum are both having a tough time after the death of your Dad. I'm not going to excuse the way your Mum is talking to you, because it's not
right to talk to anyone like that, but maybe I can shed a bit of light on why she's being that way. Your Mum is responsible for you now, on her own. This is very, very stressful
for an adult, because she is responsible for looking after herself, and you, by herself. The person who shared that responsibility, your Dad, isn't there anymore to help her
financially, or to love her. She feels alone, just like you do. The reason she's saying you're lazy is probably a reaction to the stress she's feeling about paying all the bills by herself and raising you on her own. She's probably also angry at your Dad for "leaving", and even though he didn't mean to, that's a very common reaction for family members left behind when someone dies. The thing is,you and your Mum are both going through the same thing, and feeling the same way, alone.

I suggest you talk to her, and let her know you can be strong and responsible, but also let her know that it hurts you because you feel she doesn't love you when she talks to you this way. It's VERY important that you don't get into an argument with her about this - you need to approach her when you're feeling calm, and you need to talk to her like she's a friend, not like you're a little kid crying because things aren't fair. Your situation is bad enough without your Mum and you not being there for each other. You need to support each other and understand each other. Are there things you can do to help your Mum - perhaps around the house, or maybe babysitting to make some extra money, to show her you DO care about her and to help her with the stress she's feeling? More often than not, if you show someone kindness and love, they will show it back. Remember that you're a smart and good person! Your Mum is human, and the negative things she says to you are because of her circumstances - it's not really how she feels about you, she's just going through a bad time and is very unhappy, and taking it out on you. That's what we usually do - we take our pain out on the people who are closest to us. It's not right, but it's the way things go sometimes.

If you find that talking honestly with your Mum isn't working, then I think you should talk to someone professionally, like a councilor at your school. You need to talk to an adult about this, but someone you can trust. Find out if there's a kid's hotline in your area as well, you can call and speak to someone there and they can probably recommend someone you can go and see to talk about things without having to worry that your Mum or your mates will find out.




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