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I need help with my relationship

I'm just curious on your take. I have been with a woman for ten years, we have 3 kids. The youngest is 16 months old. She has left me because i was yelling at her alot. She says she doesn't feel anything for me anymore, but we still kiss and hug. I have to ask her to do that, but she still does it. I ask if she doesn't love me anymore and she says she isn't sure. I feel like such a jerk. She says she doesn't hate me. What am I going to do. I need help.




Mark's advice

Yes, you do need help.
Try this.
"STOP YELLING"

Couples get together and stay together because they like being with each other. They enjoy each others company. As well as lovers, they usually become best buddies too. Yes, there are some who stay together because they feel obligated or for the sake of the kids, but that rarely works out in the long run.

Now, if someone were yelling at you all the time, would you want to spend time with them? I didn't think so. Do you yell at your friends? How long would they hang around if you did? So now she wants out of the relationship. Gee, who would have thought? I'm just surprised she's still friendly with you. You're lucky.

Let's picture this for a moment.
Every time your significant-other comes home, you quickly look around the house to make sure there's nothing for them to get mad about. Every time the two of you go out, you worry about what you might say to your friends that might bring on a screaming match later. You dread quality time together, because you know sure-as-shootin' you'll say something that's going to bring on a verbal backlash. You get to the point where you avoid being around them. And when you are, you keep your mouth shut and try and avoid eye contact.

Now, doesn't that sound fun?
Smarten-up.
Stop yelling.
And maybe she'll come back.

Sophie's advice

You have three kids and for that alone a lot of responsibility to ensure that you have done everything to make the relationship with their mother right. I do not need to tell you that yelling at your partner is never the way to go and I am sure you realize that it is not ultimately getting you the results you would want.

It sounds though like there is still some hope to get this back on track, but not without a lot of dedication. Your partner is torn and confused, which is understandable considering the mixed messages you are giving her. You need to take a good look at yourself and make some drastic changes. Figure out why it is you think you can yell at her, what you expect to get doing that, what you are angry about and how you can start to communicate more effectively. You are now in a perpetually bad cycle. You yell, you feel bad, you hate yourself. How do you think she would feel if you told her that you know you have not been treating her the way you truly want to and the way she deserves to be, and that you have made it your mission to change this. That you need to do this on your own as this is your issue, not hers, and that you can only hope she may be there in the end.

How would it feel if you treated your partner really well, with love and respect and good communication? How would you feel about yourself and how do you think she would feel about you in turn? She wants a man she can respect and she can trust to be gentle with her. Someone who is balanced and makes good decisions. The most important thing in a relationship is how the other person feels about themselves when they are with you...

Undoubtedly your partner also has things she could work on to improve this, but the only one you CAN change and be responsible for is you. The fact that you wrote in shows that you are willing to make changes. You are just misdirected right now and need to find new tools in how to communicate. Check out self-help books, counseling, anger management. You have a lot to lose and a lot to gain.

This is a chance in life where you can choose to make positive changes and where you can strive to be the man you truly want to be.




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