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I Think He's Cheating - What Should I Do?

I have been with my fiance for 3yrs going on 4 this year and we have a 2yr old baby girl. We've been having problems for 2yrs - it all started when he started working at a clothing store and I keep hearing rumors from a friend that worked with him about him being unfaithful with a girl that worked there.

I've tried asking him if the rumors were true and he denied everything, saying I was going crazy and I was too jealous. A month after that I went online on MySpace and found a few comments from this girl to a friend saying they were being intimate and that he was saying we were no longer together and when I confronted him he of course denied it, so up untill now he's never admitted anything in too many
words, but had said sorry. Even though I've given him many ultimatums for 2yrs, he still talks to that girl and I'm still hearing that stuff is still going on. He swears up and down that they are nothng more than friends but it's hard to believe because I've found text messages from her to him, saying things like "good night hunny" and "hope u can come visit" and other things like sexual stuff, and he says that he asked her to send that because he was setting a trap to see if I would look at his phone, and that I find to things to upset myself and make myself cry. To top it off last Sunday he went out, he said to spend time alone, and the next day I find a message from that girl to another girl saying she was with him that day and the message had his name in it so I asked him what was up and he told me it must have been another guy with the same name. I've been having a really hard time trusting him and it hurts so much, also he went out last night and once again I heard they where together and I texted him to ask and he denied it. He came home at 12:30am and went straight to the shower.

I just don't know what to do. I love him very much and he tells me he loves me too and we've been talking about setting the date for our wedding but its so confusing to me. We are only intimate like once a month or so, because he says the fighting doesn't make him be in the mood and I have to ask him to take me out on a date unless he decides he's going out and to shut me up about him not taking me out - he says we are going out next week or something. I'm so stressed out and agitated and upset, and I need advice. Please I hope you can help me - thank you so much!!!

Hope You Can Help



Erin's advice

The bottom line is, you do not trust your fiance. Without trust, you cannot move forward, either as a couple or on your own. Your fears about him cheating, and your insecurity around him leaving you, are causing you to perpetuate the very nightmare you're most afraid of - him leaving. In your heart, you know something isn't right - all the signs point to him cheating, and so out of fear of knowing the truth, you're doing everything possible to salvage the relationship. The choices you're making however, are causing more harm than good, and nothing is being solved.

I suspect your problems didn't just start when he started working at that clothing store - what was the state of your relationship before this happened? Did you always trust him completely? Has he given you other reasons not to trust him? Have you been unable to trust other people in your life? Sometimes we attract people who fit the patterns of people we grew up with in our childhood, with the hopes of reliving and therefor changing the past that caused us hurt. Sometimes we project our past baggage (like not being able to trust) on people in our present, who might not deserve it. The details of your situation, he texted this, MySpace that, are really of no importance - you have to look at the real issues here. Do you both want to continue in this relationship? If so, what are the reasons you want to continue? Is it because you have a child together (not a good reason), is it because you're afraid of being on your own (sometimes we think being alone is worse than being in a terrible relationship - not a good reason), or is it because you genuinely care about each other and want to stay together? If you want to save this relationship, you both need to get into counseling together immediately. Neither one of you clearly has the skills or maturity to fix this problem on your own.

You also need to look at yourself. How do you want your life to look - full of pain and mistrust and heartache? You are the creator of your own life, and you alone have let yourself remain in this situation. By doing this, you're forgetting about who you are and what your needs are. Do not look to others for your happiness, and stop blaming other people for the choices you've made. You've chosen to stay, even though you think he's cheating. Realize that you also have a choice to make things better, and if you need help, it's out there.



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