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Long Distance - will this work out?

Hi, I have been in an long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. I believe he has lost some of his love for me, and I lost some for him. I think the distance has grown us apart a little.

On the plus side, through ups and downs, we're still together. Things are ok now, but we're both not as enthused about living together now that the wait is over. Nothing like how the idea was 5 years ago. So, he lives in Boston, I'm in Vancouver. Ideally we would have gotten married so either he could work here, or I could work there. But, marriage never really came up. We see each other every other month, but it's just plain 'ol dating.

SO. I am graduating University and he said he'd fly me over there and help me find a job. Good enough. So, here's a weird detail:

He isn't dumping his roomate until I find a job. SO, basically, we're going to be 3 in his apartment because he wants to save whatever his roomate gives him every month. He makes something like 100K a year.. and he's being so petty over something like $500 a month. Now, he's not really cheap. He bought me a really expensive tennis bracelet, plane tickets, and restaurants. But, this is just illogical. It sounds to me like he doesn't grasp that we're moving in together, permenantly. And, I told him to just dump his roommate and to pay the rent himself as he could afford it.. and he yelled at me "don't tell me what to do with my money". Was I really that demanding with my suggestion? I'm considering not even moving there anymore. He could at least ditch his roommate and act a little more serious.


Mark's advice

You know, telling him you would share the rent once you got a job, would have gone over a lot better than "Pay the rent yourself you good-for-nothing cheap lousy bastard". I do hope his roommate is a guy, because if it's a girl, it's more than rent he'll be missing. So let's just say it's a guy. Now, your man makes $100K+ a year (and that's American), then I'm guessing he's pretty smart. And I'm guessing this is a big step and he wants to make sure things are going to work out between you two before he gives the roommate the heave-ho. And that seems okay with me given your time and distance apart, and the fact that you're not so sure yourself. So move in with him and his roommate with an agreement, that after 3 months, one person has to go. Then, in 3 months time, if things are going good, and he still won't lose the roommate, then you have my permission to call him a "cheap good-for-nothing lousy bastard".

Sophie's advice

Dear Cindy,
I'm not sure if you even realize what you've written here, "I believe he has lost some of his love for me, and I lost some for him." The real question is, why would either of you want to continue a relationship in which the love seems to be diminishing instead of growing deeper? Oftentimes long distance relationships create a false sense of commitment and security. Until you actually live with someone in your world and they in yours, you are not truly experiencing that person or your relationship 100%. It sounds like the roommate issue with your boyfriend is not about him being cheap, it's about him not being sure if this is going to last or not. This may be based in reality, or he could be reacting to the fear of the fact that your relationship may not survive you finally being together. You need to have a conversation about your future. You are not tied to the plans you've made in the past, you need to figure out what is best for both of you RIGHT NOW. Just because you've been looking forward to something (and creating your own fantasy of what it may be like) for five years, doesn't mean it's what you should do now. Talk to each other, you will probably find you share a lot of the same fears about what's going on. You can figure out what to do together, whether it means staying together or moving on.

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Re: Long Distance - will this work out? Thanks for answering my question guys! Yes, the roommate is a guy. Otherwise I would have left him for sure! You both have some real good points.. I guess my situation isn't so bad then.