Ask Advice 
Article Archive 

Should I Give Him More Time?

I have been on 6 dates with a guy who started off really keen for first 3 dates and then backed off a bit. Says we mustn't get carried away and that it's early days. (He also had a very brief arranged marriage about 5 years ago). He is in between jobs and is currently living with his parents and is a bit down because of this and finding it hard to be motivated to job hunt and move out into his own house which is being rented out. He has lots of friends and has an active social life. He has poured his heart out to me on the phone regarding his family and career dilemma but since then seems a bit distant and has mostly been asking about me and avoids talking about himself that much. He has said he likes me and would like to keep dating me but that it is too early to tell where it will go. All we have done physically is kiss. I only see him once a week and feel it is not growing at the rate I would like and not sure whether to tell him this or wait and see if we bond more naturally. Also not sure if his hesitance is because of his feeling down due to the work/family problems and if I should just give him more time?


Sophie's advice

It sounds like you two definitely want to progress at two different speeds - which can be a very common problem between males and females.
As females, we tend to be able to "see" into the future, or at least project what we'd like to happen in our lives into our imagination. We can envision ourselves as married and having kids with someone we've only just met. My suspicion is that we grow up on fairy tales and let our imagination take hold of us when often, living in reality might be a better way to go. Men take time to get to know someone. They usually take people at face value, so after 6 dates, there is no way he could know you well enough to decide you are the one for him. He may be a particularly cautious individual also, when making choices about who will be his partner. As you mentioned too, it sounds like his life is in a bit of an upheaval right now. It can be difficult for men to feel confident about who they are and what their choices are when they feel they don't have a financial grounding, or standing in society. That said, it doesn't mean you have to slow to his pace, but you certainly can't force him to speed up. He's said he wants to keep dating you and that it's too early to tell where it will go. He's right! Take his words at face value, and if you think he's worth it, get to know him better - let him get to know you. If nothing seems to be progressing after a couple more months, then talk to him about it and go from there. Stop worrying so much about what will be and what could be, and pay attention to what's happening in the here and now. As you said, let it happen naturally.

Mark's advice

Hey Kristine,

What's your hurry?
6 dates?

Sometimes it's takes 6 dates before I can remember the girls name.
Sure sounds like he's down on his luck. I can't imagine having to move back into my parents basement. They gave me a hard enough time the first 20 years I was there. The fact that he doesn't have a job, also plays big-time on a guy's ego.

That's probably why he's keeping the house as a rental unit, as it may be his only source of income. If he said he wants to keep dating you, then you're going to have to be satisfied with that for now.

Guys usually take longer to get emotionally attached, and with all the crap that's going on in his temporarily crappy existence, it may take even longer. Be patient, and give it another 4 or 5 dates. If nothing changes by that time, then you can dump his unemployed, parent free-loading, emotionally challenged, sorry ass and find someone else.

Add comment